I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
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Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.