I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
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Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!