My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
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Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?