[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
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I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting