Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
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My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Me checking my bank balance online.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker