if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
You Might Also Like
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
I didn’t come here to be called names
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end