The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
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[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Livid.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.