I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
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[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow