Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
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Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
A French press is when you hug naked
need a new bf mines broken 😐
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Somebody call the cops.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer