I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
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Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.