Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
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Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.