Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
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They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
I put the mess in domestic.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
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If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
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5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.