[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
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[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO