i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
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[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
This is always good for a laugh.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Weirdly Wednesday.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.