[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
You Might Also Like
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.