Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
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11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
I forgot how to panic. Help
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.