I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
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Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Great game to play with friends
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd