Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
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Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Me when my alarm goes off
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential