BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
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You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
I love art.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”