[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
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building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
let’s discuss
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.