scared to check what name she chose
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9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?