doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
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You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”