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The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy