[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
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Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
just make the entire table out of coaster
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows