I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
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7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Saturday
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.