What Bob, you’re interrupting.
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Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]