Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
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Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.