I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
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Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes