I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
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Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
No, YOUR illiterate.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”