I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
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Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.