My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
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1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.