Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
You Might Also Like
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
All excellent questions
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
me, too, girl. me, too.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf