As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
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[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.