Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
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Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?