when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
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My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
if a staircase can spiral so can i.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.