An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
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“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”