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If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.