I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
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[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.