The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
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What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.