[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
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I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion