The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
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(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
I think the cat got the dog high.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
don’t we all
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats