Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
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Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
I love the National Park Service.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.