I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
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[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”