Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
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Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees