We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
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TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos