People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
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Awesome parenting 😂
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Check out the legs on this baby
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
for all #parents out there