When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
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I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I鈥檒l probably only get to do it the once.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can鈥檛 attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 馃槀
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
The baby bites me a lot cuz she鈥檚 teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven鈥檛 seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Watermelon Boss!
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that鈥檚 my voice