My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
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Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
These 3D printers are insane!
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
I will never stop laughing at this
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?