Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
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My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.