Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
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You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Yup!
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Effort made
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no